Honesty

What price can you put on the words people use to communicate. I prefer that people tell me the truth, otherwise my decisions would be made with one or more of the variables askew. That fault in the information on which I rely could cause bigger, or even complete, failure. Let's talk about that one as I head into an important deal I made.

I was a deceptive teenager when I was young. Everyone thought I was a little angel until I got found out, only a few times, when the light was shown on one of my deeds. My parents were very strict, which is a pretty good motivator for lying when blame was about to be assigned. My three siblings all had things they did not want mom, and more importantly dad, to find out about. We all copied what our mother did. She smoked and that was like having a permission slip to do the same. If any of my brothers and sisters told on me, they would be in trouble too as I told on them for smoking. Nobody ever told.

When I became a father, I did want respect, not fear, from my children. When they got to the age when they were allowed to walk to school or stay over at a friend's house, I made a deal with them. I thought long and hard about it but before going through my deal with my kids, let's look at what others are doing:

Some parents today share their strategies on line, one such parent told her kids that parents always know if the kids are sleeping or not because if a child is really sleeping, and you lift their arm up, it will stay up. They can now be sure if the child is asleep or not - not sleeping if the child's arm stays in the air.

Another mom, told her kids at a young age that parents know when a child is lying because a red dot shows on the kids' foreheads when they lie. Only parents can see the dot, but it is always visible when a lie has been told. Thus, the children would always cover their foreheads when they are lying.

Like the smoking example my mother gave me, I did not think it was good to lie to my kids in order to drive home the lesson of honesty.

We talked about honesty and how it is the best policy. They agreed. I went through some examples and the problem that come from lies. It could cause mom and dad to fight because each has a different story. Teachers can be hurt if the parent has the wrong information going into a school conference.

I laid out the deal and we shook on it. If you are ever in trouble or have done something wrong. I want you to come to me and tell me about it so that I can help you. If you do that before things get out of hand, I promise that there will be no punishment - no matter what.

What did not count

Let's say you steal something and get hauled into the manager's office. The police were called and now I go to pick you up - bail you out - there will be a punishment. Technically, the police told me first and you are out of luck. If something has been damaged, the damage will be the one who told me. No deal!

It has to be a situation where no damage has occurred and you have not been accused of something wrong in order to count.

My kids tried the truth of the deal on me over the years and they were always happy they had told me the truth. I have two examplesof this deal in force:

The first was very positive for me and it parallels something that happened to me when I was young. The second one also does the same but in a different way.

First

Recently, my middle son came home with the news that his girlfriend is pregnant. She is the little princess of her family and he was very worried about his future father-in-law but begged me not to tell anyone. I talk a lot and that is difficult for me, but I promised and did not say a word to anyone. I successfully kept it all to myself and he was coming over quite often to talk and I gave ear. He is too old for me to dish out punishments, but he was still glad he came to me. I was very supportive and remained positive throughout the entire ordeal. I warned that couples normally do not share that information until well along during a pregnancy and they did wait until the third month to tell her father and my youngest who still lives with me. Near the end of the third month and after many prenatal visits to the doctors, she lost the child. I had said the reason why people do not tell everyone until later on was to avoid making things worse if something goes wrong. Sadly, that is what happened.

The above para graph was not going to be written, but when my boy stopped by and saw me writing, he suggested I use his situation as an example. We both agree that we got a lot closer having gone through it together.

Second

Downstairs in the garage, I have a new vehicle with only 1,000 miles on it. It is not mine but I drive it. That is another "trato" that I will be covering one of these days. I am the only one with keys to this vehicle. The owner and I were both at the dealership when he bought it. The keys that he got went right into my hands. They are the only ones in existence. I don't use it much, only weekends when traffic is not so bad here in the city. I remember having 30 miles on the tripometer last I parked it a few weeks ago. I looked one day when I went down to take it to the car wash, it was showing 60 and I had the sense that it had been moved, though it was turned around and backed in just as I always park it. When I got the car, I took the opportunity to teach both of my boys who live in this state to drive stick shift. Only the younger has a drivers license, he is the one that lives with me.

The next day, my little one and I were on our way to the market to get groceries. We were walking and I mentioned that my gas mileage was really bad since the last fill up and I have only gone on one weekend trip to China Town. His head went back and he looked up at the sky and said, "I have to tell you something, Dad." The whole thing came out like a gushing geyser, how he was up late and, "I have a license, dad." I sighed and explained that any tickets or accidents, if they happen, will go on the owner's record and would really cause problems with my dealings with other people. Even the insurance is in his name. But, (pause) despite all of that, no punishment.

My boys can drive all they want on Sunday mornings, which reduces the risks - the odds are with us when nobody else is on the roads. I did not need to ask him why he thought this would be a 'good' idea. You see, when I was 12 years old, I had borrowed my mom's car. I was already fixing cars. Tune ups, brake jobs, oil changes, and some electrical work. If I was old enough to fix them, I was old enough to drive them. "Obviously, the law had not figured out that there are kids who are special and uniquely qualified..." was my reasoning.

Both boys heard the stories I told, and had laughed at my crazy childhood. Now, the littlest one gets razzed for his legal, yet not wise, choice to take out 'the car' we have. As I have said, "My word is my bond." and I honor deals that I make. I surround myself with others like me. Deal breakers do not get far with me. I appreciate my boys' decisions to tell me the truth. They try to find loopholes in them and if they exist, which they do not, they will try to exploit them.

The main idea is to have little men who are honest in their dealings with the world. We need more people in the world that do these kinds of things. I am doing my part to have added several more to the pot of the few and far between real men of the world.