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Sleep was a word I didn't use for 2 days! My father didn't want to tell me anything about it. He said it was a no to my question and not to fuck around anymore. That we were going to keep going to church and that my love for her could be approached from that place and that he wasn't going to let me go to any nun's school and leave my life to anyone's fate. I couldn't talk to my mom, I felt so sorry for how bad it had gotten and how much it obviously stirred up to talk about it. I didn't have much choice.

I grabbed her and asked Ju to help me. The next day he picked me up and we went to the train. We got on the train at the station in Retiro, where the tour starts. We both took a mochi with a coat, some money and a bottle of water. We chatted, she tried to distract me so we talked about vanities and school stuff. Boys, new experiences she was living, problems with friends, stupid things. The trip was long, we were going to Villa Rosa, the house of my grandparents, my mom's parents. I was paying attention to the landscape, and it is very curious to see how it changes as you leave the city, how hostile it becomes. The streets change, the smells, the colors. People look more serious, more dogs appear on the streets, and the streets are no longer paved or cobblestones but rubble and dirt or just dust until we finally arrive.

We got off and from the station we had 1km to my grandparents. When we arrived (without warning) I knocked on the door and when there was no answer we went around the side to enter through the back. They were in the back drinking mate. When they saw me, my grandmother's joy lit up the whole place. She hugged me tightly and gave me a hug that I still remember. My grandfather had left and would be back in a while. So we sat in the back while we waited for him and he served us something to snack on. I always liked juice with pepas and Juli asked him for a chocolatada. In less than 2 minutes she was asking me what I was doing there and if my parents knew, I never went alone. I told her that we came here because I needed to talk to her. I told her what had been happening to me and she froze. It was a kind of face I had never seen before. It was happiness hidden in sadness and surprise. At first I didn't know what to say to her and she was stuck in silence, I took the opportunity to tell her my feelings and she could only hug me and tell me all the love she had for me. When she was able to let me go, she sat down, had a mate and told me, "let's wait for grandpa, we have to talk about this, the three of us". When she arrived she was very happy to see me, you know, the only granddaughter, the spoiled one. She asked me exactly the same questions as my grandmother did when she saw me and her face also changed. We sat in the back. They looked at each other and grandpa started, "I have to tell you a story. Aunt Marcela never died, she disappeared. One summer when your mom and aunt were girls, Marcela was involved in the church scout group and they set up a summer camp. The aunt didn't come back from there" -But how? and they didn't do anything? -Imagine that we went all out. They called us 3 days later telling us that the night before they had a bonfire and that they had been up until late singing and telling anecdotes, then everyone went to bed until the next day. The next day, the delegates went to wake up the children and your aunt was gone. They started to look for her all over the grounds and they couldn't find her anymore.

-And what did they do, Grandpa? My grandmother got in the middle and continued.

-We went directly to the police station to file a report and they told us what they always say, that you have to wait 48 hours until they can confirm that she is missing, so we went to the church to talk to the priest. When we arrived, everyone was already waiting for us to arrive. the priest received us with nerves that could be smelled for miles. We sat down and as soon as we leaned our bodies on the chair a nun arrived and served us each a cup of coffee. (My grandfather continued the story).

-As soon as we sat down I started shouting that this was the responsibility of the church, that they had to do something, that they were not doing anything instead of looking for her. So we demanded that they take us to the place where they were making camp and start an urgent search.

-And how did that go?
asked Juli, who couldn't take it anymore, and automatically apologized for the comment.

-We took the car and went to the mountain where they were. It was a congregation's property and behind us came a bus full of people who worked at the church. They arrived and took out of the back of the bus a few liternas and sticks. We lined up with a distance of 3 meters between us. Flashlight in hand and stick in the other to touch the ground around us. It was about 4 o'clock in the afternoon, so the sun was going down soon. We gathered about 40 people between all the adults and teenagers who were there and wanted to participate. We started the search taking as a reference a wire fence that we had behind the camp. We did about 600 meters.

But grandpa, no one had seen anything? when was the last time they saw her? my grandmother jumped in and answered me - Yes, as soon as we arrived I started talking to the camp managers. I didn't know the guy, but later I found out that he was always at the camps and he was only connected with the church because he did scout group camps in a big congregation. I wanted to find out more and automatically asked for his information.

-Well then, as I was telling you," says my grandfather, "when we did those 600mts we all turned left as a block and swept the area that way. We did that and another 600mts and we turned again. I don't know why we only did 600mts or who told us to do it that way, but about 1000 meters away in one direction there was a shed that looked like it was in use. We all finished making that sweep and I felt something strange. There was a pulse that did not leave me calm and took my eyes to that shed. That's when I grabbed it and while everyone was gathered around drinking something at night, I went to the shed with the same stick and the flashlight.

-Of course, after you left," said my grandmother, "the organizer started to get nervous and he didn't understand why and that was because you had left and he hadn't seen you.

-It was hard to get there because in the dark I couldn't find it well and finally I arrived. Everything was turned off and there were some animals inside that looked like they were from a field. It was very cold and the floor was very wet. I slipped and fell down. I hit my back and fell dry, I was out of air and all muddy. I couldn't get any air, I started to choke and there he appeared. An assistant of the organizer, Nicolas, came through the door. He came in and stayed with me until I recovered. - Are you better? He says to me, "Did you hurt yourself? - I'm fine - I answer him.

-What are you doing here, I ask him? - and he told me that he saw lights from far away and thought it could be something to do with Marcela. We started to search and I had the sensation of a look on my back all the time as if they were watching me. I was constantly turning around but there was no one looking at me. We finished the search without finding anything of Marcela and we left.

-We left that day with nothing of your aunt," says my grandmother, "After those first 48 hours we filed a report and a formal search was made in the area. There were no traces anywhere in the first part of the initial search. But we did not remain calm and continued investigating. I asked them to find out about the organizer who I found very suspicious and about the boy Nicolas who went to help your grandfather. A few weeks went by and finally we had something. The coordinator together with that kid Nicolas. They were relatives from the interior of Chaco, and they had a history of having been involved in human trafficking, but nothing could ever be proven.

-That's when we started to get involved in the search outside the police - my grandmother told me - Imagine, everything in the police is slow, everything takes time and in these situations you have to go fast because you don't know how it ends. I told your grandfather that we had to go back to the place where he disappeared and he said no because everything was already done there and the search was somewhere else. But I insisted! - And I'm grateful that you did," he said, "We went to the field again. Just the two of us, we went during the day. When we arrived we passed the gate and as it was a congregation camp, it was a work camp and the estancia was far away from where we had been. So we went to a lagoon, places where we had not been the first time.
There we didn't find anything, so we kept looking, then we went to an area where there was a small forest and we ended up going back to the shed. We started to look at all the spaces where there were animals, the floor was very wet, so it was a mixture of mud and straw, so we had to be careful. There was nothing, but I felt something so I kept looking. At one point I got tired and sat on top of a bundle. When I felt tired from so much walking, your grandfather made reflections with the glasses he had hanging on his chest and the light that hit them showed me a wooden door as if it were a closet. My heart stopped. I stood up as if it was the first thing I had done all day, suddenly I didn't feel tired, my legs didn't hurt, I was whole. I went to the door and opened it! There were her clothes, but she wasn't there - it was an emptiness I felt so big. It was like feeling like I was coming back to life and when her clothes were there but she wasn't, I died again but with hope. I don't even know how to describe it to you.

-Then I shouted to my grandfather, he came running, saw her clothes and hugged me.

-Then that's when I fed on it," said Grandpa, "I told Grandma not to go away from there, I was going to get the police. They took the samples and I asked the person who was giving us a hand to ask the coordinators not to go anywhere.
-Finally, a few weeks after the samples were taken, there were blood samples, so they asked for a background check that they be detained for having a previous cause and after a few more days of that, in a statement one of the two told the truth. - They had separated her from the group and were looking for someone like Marcela to take her out of the country and sell her. We could never find her. They didn't say anything more, we couldn't follow a trace and after a year one of them, already in jail, committed suicide. The other one is still in jail.

-But then the church had nothing to do with it," I said, "It was a circumstance in which the church was involved, but it's not clear. They were working for a gang that kidnapped women and sold them. Everything was obscured for us because as the scout group is related to the church and some people from the institution had passed through the church who had come from other places because of problems with women without being able to be clarified, for society it was something unresolved but for us who are from the church or who were because we don't go anymore, it was a very bad thing," said the grandmother. We hugged a lot, we cried and healed a lot of things in that talk. They with them and their history and me with my family history and my personal history. We left at sunset and got on the train back and as soon as we got on the train I leaned on Ju's shoulder and fell asleep. I woke up when we arrived and when we got off the train in Retiro I realized that I was light, that I was not the same. Something had changed in me. I wanted to stay connected to the church, I studied a lot and read a lot about this religion. I think I am still in love, but there was something that changed that day and took me forever away from the pulse of wanting to be in a congregation. Believing in something helped me a lot. I was no longer the introverted, shameful, sad person I used to be. I wanted to be my old self and to be able to be that again. I used religion as a support, today having passed the time it was only a cane at that moment. It could have been believing in a ball or in anything you believe in. Believing spiritually makes you stand differently in life. Realizing that you can do one little thing, makes you realize that you can do another day a little bit more or a little bit more. And that little by little becomes bigger and bigger until without realizing it you are bigger. I grew up in a catholic family, my parents too.

Today I study Catholicism and specialize in the history of religions, I travel all over the world talking about it.

And I don't believe in god anymore.

I believe in my

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Version en Español

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Dormir fue una palabra que no use por 2 dias! Mi padre no queria decirme nada sobre el tema. Dijo que era un no a mi pregunta y que no jodiera mas. Que nosotros ibamos a seguir yendo a la iglesia y que mi amor por ella lo podia abordar desde ese lugar y que no iba a dejar que me meta en ningun colegio de monjas para dejar mi vida a la suerte de nadie. Con mi mama no podia hablar, me daba mucha pena lo mal que se habia puesto y todo lo que evidentemente removio hablar de ese tema. No tuve muchas opciones.

Agarre y le pedi a Ju que me ayude. Al dia siguiente me paso a buscar y nos fuimos para el tren. nos subimos en la estacion en Retiro, de donde empieza eel recorrido. Nos llevamos una mochi las dos con un abrigo algo de plata y una botella para el agua. Fuimos charlando, ella trataba de distraerme asique hablabamos de vanidades y boberas de colegio. Chicos, experiencias nuevas que ella estaba viviendo, problemas con amigas, boludeces. El viaje era largo ibamos hasta Villa Rosa, la casa de mis abuelos, los papas de mi vieja. Fui prestando atencion al paisaje, y es muy curioso ver como va cambiando mientras se va uno llendo de la ciudad, lo hostil que se va tornando. Cambian las calles, los olores, los colores. La gente mira mas serio, van apareciendo mas perros por las calles, y las calles dejan de ser de pavimento o adoquines para transformarse en cascotes y tierra o solo polvo hasta que por fin llegamos.

Bajamos y de la estacion teniamos 1km hasta lo de mis abuelos. Cuando llegamos (sin avisar) golpeo la puerta y al no tener respuesta nos vamos por el costado para entrar por atras. Estaban en el fondo tomando mate. Cuando me vieron la alegria de mi abuela ilumino todo el lugar. me abrazo fuerte y me dio un abrazo que todavia me acuerdo. Mi abuelo se habia ido volvia en un rato. Asique nos sentamos en el fondo mientras lo esperabamos y nos sirvio algo para merendar. A mi siempre me gustaron el jugo con pepas y Juli le pidio una chocolatada. En menos de 2 minutos ella estaba preguntandome que hacia ahi y si mis papas sabian, yo nunca iba sola. Le conte que veniamos asi porque necesitaba hablar con ella. Le conte lo que me habia estado pasando y ella se freezo. Fue una especia de cara que nunca vi antes. Era felicidad escondida en tristeza y sospresa. En un principio no supe que decirme y quedo trabada en silencio, yo aprovecher para contarle mi sentir y ella no pudo mas que abrazarme y decirme todo el amor que tenia por mi. Cuando me pudo soltar se sento tomo un mate y me dijo, "esperemos al abuelo, esto lo tenemos que hablar los 3". Cuando llego se alegro muchisimo de verme, ya saben unica nieta, la consentida. Me hizo exactamente las mismas preguntas que mi abuela al verme y tambien su cara se transformo. Nos sentamos en el fondo. Se miraron y el abuelo empezo, "tengo que contarte una historia. La tia Marcela nunca se murio, desaparecio. Un verano cuando tu mama y tu tia eran chicas, Marcela estaba metida en el grupo scout de la iglesia y armaron un campamento de verano. La tia no volvio de alla" -Pero como? y no hicieron nada? -Imaginate que le caimos con todo. Nos llamaron a las 3 dias diciendonos que la noche anterior habian hecho un fogon que habian estado hassta tarde cantando y contando anecdotas, despues todos se fueron a sus camas hassta el dia siguiente. Al otro dia, los delegados van llendo a despertar a los mas chicos y tu tia ya no estaba. La empezaron a buscar por todo el predio y no la encontraron mas.

-Y que hicieron abuelo? Mi abuela se metio en medio y continuo.

-Fuimos directamente a la comisaria a hacer la denuncia y nos dijeron lo que dicen siempre que hay que esperar 48hs hasta poder confirmar que esta desaparecida. asique fuimos a la iglesia para hablar con el cura. Cuando llegamos ya todos estaban en tema esperando que lleguemos. el padre nos recibio con unos nervios que se olian a kilometros. Nos sentamos y apenas apoyamos el cuerpo en la silla una monja llego y nos sirvvio un cafe a cada uno. (Mi abuelo sigio el relato.)

-Ni bien nos sentamos empece a los gritos, que esto era responsabilidad de la iglesia que tienen que hacer algo que no estaban haciendo nada en vez de estar ahi buscandola. Asique le exigimos que nos lleven al lugar donde estaban haciendo el campamento y empezar una busqueda urgente.

-Y como siguio eso?
pregunto Juli, que no podia mas, y automaticamente pedio disculpas por el comentario.

-Agarramos el Auto y nos fuimos para monte donde estaban. Era un predio de una congregacion y atras nuestro vino un colectivo lleno de gente que trabajaba en la iglesia. Llegaron y sacaron de la parte de atras del colectivo unas cuantas liternas y palos. Nos pusimos en linea con una distancia de 3 metros entre cada uno. Linterna en mano y palo en la otra para ir tocando el piso alrededor. Eran ya como las 4 de la tarde, asique la bajada del sol era en breve. Juntamos unas 40 personas entre todos los adultos y adolecentes que estaban ahi y querian participar. Empezamos la busqueda tomamos como referencia un alambrado que teniamos detras de el acampe. Hicimos unos 600 metros.

Pero abuelo nadie habia visto nada? cuando fue la ultiam vez que la vieron? mi abuela se metio y me respondio - Si apenas nosotros llegamos yo me puse a hablar con los encargados del campamento. El tipo yo no lo conocia pero despues me entere que el estaba siempre en los campamentos y el solamente se vinculaba con la iglesia porque hacia campamentos de grupos scouts en una gran congregacion. Yo quise averguar mas y automaticamente pedi sus datos.

-Bueno entonces como les contaba, dice mi abuelo - cuando hicimos esos 600mts todos doblabamos a la izquierda en bloque y barriamos la zona para ese lado. Lo hicimos y otros 600mts y volvimos a doblar. No se porque hicimos solo 600mts ni quien dijo que lo hagamos asi, pero como a 1000 metros en una de las direcciones habia un galpon que parecia en uso. Terminamos todos de hacer esa barrida y yo sentia algo raro. habia un pulso que no me dejaba tranquila y me llevaba la vista para ese galpon. Ahi fue que agarre y mientras todos estaban reunidos tomando algo ya de noche, me fui para el galpon con el mismo palo y la linterna. la abuela estaba con el grupo hablando y yo me fui sin que nadie me viera.

-Claro al rato que vos te fuiste - dice mi abuela - el forro del orrganizador se empezo a poner nervioso y no entendia porque y era por eso, porque te habias ido y no te tenia visto.

-Me costo llegar porque en la oscuridad no lo encontraba bien y finalmente llegue. Todo apagado estaba y habia algunos animales dentro que era como de algun campo. Mucho frio todo el piso muy mojado. Me resvale y me cai. Me golpie la espalda y cai en seco me quede sin aire y todo embarrado. No me entraba el aire, empece a ahogarme y ahi aparecio. entro por la puerta un ayudante del organizador, Nicolas. Entra y se queda conmigo hasta que me logro recuperar. - Estas mejor? , - me dice - te lastimasste algo? - ya esttoy bien - le respondo.

-Que haces aca le pregunto? - y me dijo que vio luces de lejos y penso que podia ser algo que tenia que ver con Marcela- . nos ponemos a buscar y yo tenia la sensacion de una mirada en la espalda todo el tiempo como si me estuvieran observandos. Cosntantemente me estaba dando vueltas pero no habia nadie mirandome. Terminamos la busqueda sin encontrar nada de Marcela y nos vamos.

-Nos fuimos ese dia sin nada de tu tia- comenta mi abuela- Despues de esas primeras 48hs hicimos la denunca y se armo una busqueda formal en la zona. No hubo rastros por ningun lado en la primer parte de la busqueda inicial. Pero no nos quedamos tranquilos y seguimos investigando. Yo pedi que averguaran sobre el organizador que me resulto mjuy sospenchoso y sobre el pibe ese Nicolas el que fue a ayudar a tu abuelo. Pasaron unas semanas y finalmente teniamos algo. El coordinador junto con el pibe ese Nicolas. Eran familiares venian del interior del chaco, y ellos tenian antecedentes de haber estado metidos en trata de personas pero nunca se les pudo comprobar nada.

-Ahi fue que empezamos a meternos nosotros en ls busqueda por affuera de la policia- me contaba mi abuela- Imaginate, todo en la policia por lo que es legal es leeento, todo tardan y en estas situaciones tenes que ir rapido porque despues no sabes como termina. yo le decia a tu abuelo que teniamos que volver al lugar donde desaparecio y el decia que no porque ya estaba todo hecho ahi que la busqueda era por otro lado. Pero yo insisti! - y yo agradezco que lo hayas hecho- dijo el!Fuimos para el campo de nuevo. Solo nosotros dos, fuimos de dia. Cuando llegamos pasamos la tranqueria y como era un campo de la congregacion era un campo de trabajo la estancia estaba re lejos de donde nosotros habiamos estado. Asique fuimos para una laguna, llugares a donde no habiamos ido en esa primera oportunidad. Ahi no encontramos nada, asique seguimos buscando despues fuimos a una zona donde habia como un pequeño bosque y tampoco y terminamos llendo de nuevo al galpon. Empezamos a mirar todos los espacios en donde habia animales estaba todo muy mojado el piso asique era una mezcla de barro con paja habia que ir con cuidado. No habia nada, pero yo sentia algo asique segui mirando. En un momento me canse y me sente arriba de un fardo. Cuando me siento ya cansada de tanto andar tu abuelo hace reflejos con los lentes que tenia colgados en el pecho y la luz que pego en ellos me mostro como una puerta de madera como si fuera un armario. Se me freno el corazon. Me pare como si fuera lo primero que acia en el dia, de pronto no sentia cansancio, no me dolian las piernas, estaba entera. Me voy a la puerta y abro! Estaba su ropa, pero no estaba ella- Fue un vacio que senti tan grande. Fue como sentir que volvia a vivir y cuando estaba su ropa pero ella no, me volvi a morir pero con esperanza. No se ni como describirtelo.

-Ahi entonces le grite al abuelo, vino corriendo vio su ropa y me abrazo.

-Entonces ahi fue que yo me alimente de eso - dijo el abuelo- le dije a la abuela que no se valla de ahi que iba a busar a la policia. Se llevaron las muestras y le pedi a quien nos estaba dando una mano que pida que los coordinadores no se vallana nigun lado.

-Finalmente pasaron unas semanas de las muestras, habia muestras de sangre asique pidieron por averiguacion de antecedentes que ellos quedaran a disposicion de la justicia detenidos, por tener una causa previa y pasados unos dia mas de eso en una declaracion uno de los dos conto la verdad. - Ellos la habian separado del grupo estaban buscando a alguien como Marcela para sacarla del pais y venderla. Nunca la pudimos encontrar. Ellos no dijeron mas nada, no pudimos seguir un rastro y despues de 1 año uno de ellos ya en la carcel, se suicido. El otro sigue preso.

-Pero entonces la iglesia no tiene nada que ver con esto - dije yo- Fue una circunstancia en la que la iglesia estaba enredada pero no es claro. Ellos trabajaban para una banda que secuestraba mujeres y las vendia. No la iglesia.- Todo quedo oscurecido para nosotros porque como el grupo scout esta relacionado con la iglesia y por la iglesia habian pasado algunas personas de la institucion que venian corridas de otros lados por problemas con mujeres sin poder ser esclarificados, para la sociedad fue algo sin resolver pero para nosotros que somos de la iglesia o que eramos porque ya no vamos mas, quedo un muy mal- dijo la abuela. Nos abrazamos mucho, lloramos y sanamos un monton de cosas en esa charla. Ellos con ellos y su historia y yo con mi historia familiar y con la mia personal. Nos fuimos a caer el sol subimos al tren de regreso y apenas subimos me apioye en el hombro de Ju y me quede dormida. Me desperte al llegar y cuando nos bajamos del tren en Retiro me di cuenta que estaba liviana, que no era la misma. Que habia cambiado algo en mi. Quise seguir vinculada a la iglesia, estudie mucho y leo mucho sobre esta religion. Creo que sigo enamorada, pero hubo algo que ese dia cambio y me alejo para siempre del pulso de querer estar dentro de una congregacion. Creer en algo me sirvio mucho. yo no volvi a ser mas la que era, introvertida, vergonzosa, triste. Quise ser la de antes y poder volver a serlo. Use como apoyo a la religion, hoy habiendo pasado el tiempo fue solo un baston en ese momento. Podria haber sido creer en una pelota o en cualquier cosa que vos creas. Creer espitirualmente te hace pararte diferente en la vida. Darte cuenta que podes una pequeña cosa, te hace dar cuenta que podes otro dia otra un poquito mas o troo poco mas. Y eso poco a poco cada vez se hace mas grande hasta que sin darte ccuenta vos sos mas grande. Yo creci en una familia catolica, mis padres tambien.

Hoy estudio el catolisismo y me especializo en historia de las religiones, viajo por todo el mundo hablando de ello.

Y ya no creo mas en dios.

Creo en mi

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